The Ultimate Shiki
by Eigwayne
Summary: Gensoukai fic, complete stupidity. After a humiliating defeat at the hands of Muraki, Kurikara leads Hisoka to the most powerful shiki ever created. Can the crabby empath master the Ultimate Summon, and finally get his revenge?


The Ultimate Shiki

After a humiliating defeat at the hands of Muraki, Kurikara leads Hisoka to the most powerful shiki ever created. Can the crabby empathy master the Ultimate Summon, and finally get his revenge on the 'good doctor'?

Very stupid. I believe this is what's called a spamfic? Anyways, complete and utter stupidity. Not for Muraki fans. Please read with a sense of humor, as this is a comedy.

I disclaim that Yami no Matsuei is mine. I claim that if it were, there'd be even more hot dragons.

Or something.

* * *

Hisoka gingerly approached the bath-house. Normally, he tried not to let on he was afraid, but he was truly frightened- and embarrassed. "Kurikara?" he called softly.

"Go away," came the muffled reply. The dragon's voice was strained.

"You've been in there for a really long time… Souryu's getting angry."

"You're damn right, Calamity!" snapped the Water Dragon. He stood by the door of the bath-house, dressed in a plain yukata, his hair up in a towel with another draped over his shoulders. Hisoka tactfully ignored the plastic bucket of bath toys in his hand. "Listen, you shrimpy excuse for a dragon!" Souryu yelled. "You've been in there for days! I haven't been able to play Navy- I mean, bathe properly, in almost a week! Now, out! Or I'll sic the boy on you!"

A snort came from the other side of the door, and it opened. "I am not afraid of Kijin. He doesn't know how to aim those lightning bolts. He always hits everything BUT me."

Kijin, who had also been waiting for the bath, squealed indignantly. "Hey! I was angry. You insulted Tou-sama." He looked up at his father with adoring eyes. Hisoka and Kurikara rolled theirs.

Souryu just shoved Kurikara out of the way and stormed into the bath, slamming the door behind him.

"Ya know," Kurikara said. "You'd think a big place like Tenkuu would have more than one bath."

Kijin shrugged. "This is Tou-sama's favorite for playing Navy," he said, as if it were normal for an ancient and super-powerful Dragon God to play with plastic boats in the bath. "Anyways, why are you so upset? I thought you'd gotten over the whole 'no-water-in-the-desert-gotta-play-in-it-now' thing."

The tiny Fire Dragon looked at his water-shrivelled toes.

"Well?" Kijin prodded. Sweetly. He was almost always sweet. "You can tell me. You were fine before you were called by Hisoka…."

Hisoka flushed and looked at HIS feet.

"Please. Tell me what's going on."

"I called Kurikara in battle," Hisoka began. "Against the man that cursed and killed me. It… didn't go well."

"Oh?" The teenaged-seeming dragon arched an eyebrow.

"Muraki is very strong, and very mean, and very… Well, he apparently really, REALLY likes to molest little boys."

The fearsome, most powerful Fire Dragon trembled, his eyes both open and filling with tears.

"Oh. OH!" Kijin's pupil-less eyes widened. "That's… Oh my."

Kurikara bit his bottom lip, his eyes narrowing and spilling tears, as he got angry at Kijin's response. "That perverted doctor… That bastard touched me UNDER MY YUKATA!" he screamed. His fists clenched in fury.

Byakko and some of the other shiki looked over at the fuming dragon. They all seemed to come to the same agreement- Don't get involved. Byakko turned back to the table in front of him, where he was trying to get Suzaku and Touda drunk enough not to fight with each other.

"Hisoka!" Kurikara said, turning to his shinigami. "We are going to get the Ultimate Shikigami!"

"What?!" The boy said, startled. "There's someone more powerful than you?!"

"Well, this is a little unconventional type of power… But it will take down that perverted one-eyed freak!"

Kijin and Hisoka refrained from saying anything about eyes, or pots and kettles.

"Come one, kid! We're going now!" He grabbed Hisoka wrist and dragged his off.

"But! Tsuzuki…."

Kijin just stared after them.

* * *

Tsuzuki looked around, puppy ears and tail sprouting from his ridiculously cute-yet-fussy form. "Where's Hisoka?" he whined.

"He and Kurikara went after an even more powerful shikigami," Kijin said helpfully. He felt very good, after FINALLY getting his own bath. Now if only he could get some quality time with Tou-sama….

Tsuzuki immediately started looking around frantically. "Where? Which way did they go? I have to find him! Hisoka, don't leave me behind AGAIN! Hiiiiiiiiiiisooooooookaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!"

Even in their half-drunken stupor, Suzaku and Touda were able to focus enough to grab their master and sit on him.

"All right, you two! Teamwork!" Byakko cheered.

"Kijin crouched down and patted Tsuzuki's head. "He'll be fine, Tsuzuki-san," he assured the prone man. "Kurikara has never lost, except to that pervert. And Tou-sama, of course," he beamed.

Byakko coughed. It sounded suspiciously like "Fathercomplex". Suzaku laughed and took another drink.

Tsuzuki just whined. Suzaku was sitting on his kidneys.

* * *

Kurikara led Hisoka through fields, mountains, and other geographical landmarks. They went over the river and through the woods, all both avoided their grandmother's houses. They reached the edge of a wide ocean.

"Normally, you'd need a special bird that can cross oceans on foot to get to this place," Kurikara said. "But because I'm so nice, I'll fly you there."

Hisoka scowled. He was exhausted, and here Kurikara could have FLOWN there? He resisted the urge to strangle the dragon.

Kurikara transformed. He was a dragon with black skin and feathered wings and a long, whip-like tail. He was also kind of pudgy and extremely cute. Hisoka was reminded of Pokemon.

"Kurikara, I choose you," he muttered, trying not to laugh.

The dragon glared at him. "Just get on," he snapped, his gruff, masculine voice sounding very out of place. "This form saves a lot of energy."

"Whatever," Hisoka said in a flat voice, and climbed on. They looked only slightly ridiculous as Kurikara beat his wings and took off.

Kurikara fluttered to a stop over a small, round island. The outside was made of steep cliffs, and the inner part was all dense forest. "This landing is going to suck monkey balls," he said.

Hisoka stifled a laugh at the words and voice coming from his chubby Pokemon of a dragon.

Kurikara turned his head and glared before he descended. By the end of the landing, Hisoka had gotten scratched by several grabby tree braches and startled several innocent birds with his swearing and falling off the dragon. He lay in and uncomfortable heap as Kurikara switched back to his relatively human form.

"There's a cave up ahead. The shiki is in there."

Hisoka was the one glaring now. Still, he followed Kurikara through the forest unil they reached the mouth of a cave.

"Go on in," Kurikara said.

"That's it?" Hisoka said, incredulous. "No words of warning, advice, snide commentary?"

"Nope!" The dragon gave him a one-eyed grin. There was more scowling, but Hisoka went into the cave.

Inside was merely a small fountain looking aperture bearing a red gem.

"What?!" Hisoka heard Kurikara laugh.

"Go ahead and take it," the dragon said. "It's yours now."

"The shikigami is a ROCK?!"

"Yup."

"What am I supposed to do? Chuck it at the pervert's head?"

"If you want. But I think you'll enjoy its real power more." As Kurikara leaned over and whispered the stone's real power, Hisoka let a large, rather evil grin grow across his features.

* * *

"Quit squirming!" Hisoka hissed through the bushes to Tsuzuki. He was laying the trap for the good doctor, almost immediately after returning from Round Island. It wasn't a particularly complex plan, but it should work. As a trap needed bait, Tsuzuki was nominated for the starring role in the plan. He sat on a park bench, looking pathetic and Hisoka-less. Muraki wouldn't be able to resist. And then- Smitin' Time! Hisoka nearly giggled maniacally at the thought.

Hisoka and Kurikara were hiding in the bushes nearby. Their eyes gleamed in excitement. Well, one of Kuri's did. He kept the other closed. Tsuzuki had complained about the general creepiness. He said he couldn't work with that much injured eye in the vicinity. Kurikara had threatened to eat him, but when he pointed out that Kurikara's injured eye was the right, and Muraki's demonic eye was also the right, Kuri relented, and promised to keep his bad eye shut.

Tsuzuki had also complained about the lack of sweets, and his kidneys, which still hurt from their earlier sitting on, and the smothering, which had been Suzaku's apology for the sitting. Kurikara had calmly asked Hisoka if he was absolutely SURE he couldn't eat him. Hisoka had told him no, he'd probably give him gas. Tsuzuki pouted. He was certain he'd be tasty and sweet and un-gas-producing, but he wasn't sure he wanted to tempt the belligerent dragon.

Eventually, Hisoka spotted an approaching blob of white. "Be quiet!" he whispered to Kurikara and Tsuzuki. "He's coming."

"I hope not," Kurikara muttered. Hisoka elbowed him.

"Well, Tsuzuki-san… What a pleasant surprise, meeting you here."

Tsuzuki gulped and looked up at the looming doctor. "Mu-muraki," he stuttered.

"Are you out here all alone? You really shouldn't be out here alone…." Muraki leaned in close, his hand reaching for Tsuzuki.

"Hold it right there!" Hisoka yelled, leaping from the bushes. He hadn't been able to come up with a better line, so that had to do.

"Oh. You," Muraki said dismissively. "I'm done playing with you. Unless you brought that little dragon boy. He screamed quite nicely."

Tsuzuki pouted. "You barely did anything to him, compared to me and Hisoka," he mumbled. Kurikara smacked him upside the head.

"No one touches me under my yukata without my permission!" he growled. "Do it, Hisoka!"

Hisoka grinned.

He snapped out his arm dramatically. Peaking out from his jean jacket was a bracelet with the large red stone set in it.

"From the darkness beyond time…," he began. Muraki looked at him, startled.

"What could that brat possibly be doing if his pet dragon is here?"

"Wake! Lords of might, sleeping guardians of old, rise and aid me. I summon you, Knights of the Round Table!"

The ground beneath Muraki shook, and broke apart. He was lifted up as twelve gigantic knights flew about, attacking with their swords and maces and whatever weapon they happened to have. Tsuzuki's jaw dropped.

Just when the trio was ready for it to end, another night approached. King Arthur Pendragon, with his mighty sword Excalibur, completed the job of beating Muraki into a bloody pulp, and disappeared.

Hisoka chuckled. Kurikara snickered. Then they both started laughing maniacally and pounding on each others back as Tsuzuki stared at them, stunned. They stopped abruptly and leaped apart, realizing that they were being friendly.

"That was adequate," Kurikara said.

"I guess you helped," Hisoka replied.

Tsuzuki started laughing. Muraki was gone (for now?), and Hisoka was still Hisoka. Now all he needed was pie, and his day would be complete.

"Let's go to that dessert place I saw on the way here," he said. Hisoka huffed, but followed. Kurikara started after them, but turned.

He shifted into a dragon form- not his energy-saving cutesy mascot form, but his elegant, deadly RyuOu shape. He was long and thin, with silver-edged black scales and six feathered wings. His crested head sniffed at the splotch the knights left behind, and a smile grew on his fanged lips. Definitely well smote. He stomped on Muraki's mechanical eye. Then he ground it under his claws for good measure. "Hehehe. Take that, Under-yukata-grabber."

"Hey," Hisoka called. When the boy turned, he saw only Kurikara's elfin eared human form. "What are you doing?" he asked suspiciously.

"Being a dragon," he said evasively.

Hisoka snorted. "Are you coming or not?"

"Of course. You're buying."

"Of course."

Kurikara grinned, and trotted after his master, leaving scattered mechanical pieces on the ground behind him.

"I think I want strawberry pie," the little dragon said.

"I want one of everything! Ow! Hisoka that was MEAN!"

"Idiot."

And they all lived without unauthorized molestation ever after.

The End

* * *

Possibly the dumbest thing I've written to date. But it was very cleansing, I think.

I just want to point out that I hate and despise horizontal rules in my fics, but my normal scene breaks kept getting deleted by QuickEdit. I think I do not like this thing....

No, I am not a Muraki fan. Far from it. Yes, I do like Hisoka and Kurikara. I just had to make fun of them.

Anyways, this was a reference to Matsushita Yoko's Final Fantasy references throughout Yami. She seems very fond of FF7, so I tossed in Knights of the Round, the ultimate summon, as the ultimate shiki. Imagine Hisoka with materia…. Muraki would be so smote…. Hehehe.


End file.
